Couples Therapy – Understanding the Cycle Rather Than the Conflict
In CBT-based couples therapy, the problem is not only the content of the arguments.
The difficulty often lies in the interactional cycle.
A partner expresses a request.
The other feels criticized or attacked.
They defend themselves or withdraw.
Tension increases.
The request becomes more insistent.
They defend themselves or withdraw.
→ Demand / withdrawal
→ Criticism / defense
→ Pursuit / avoidance
Over time, the cycle becomes automatic.
Each reaction reinforces the other
Ce qui maintient la difficulté
Several mechanisms are often involved:
- rapid interpretations of the partner’s intentions
- confirmation bias
- focus on what is missing or unsatisfying
- avoidance of vulnerable emotions
- repeated defensive strategies
In the short term, these reactions reduce tension.
In the long term, they increase it.
This is known as negative reinforcement:
avoiding immediate discomfort, while the underlying problem remains.
The Work Therapy
The first step is to:
- analyze the interactional cycle precisely
- identify triggers
- recognize automatic thoughts
- understand the underlying emotional reactions
The work then focuses on:
- modifying interactional behaviors
- learning communication skills
- regulating emotions during conflict
- gradually engaging in more vulnerable conversations
The goal is not to decide who is right.
The goal is to interrupt the cycle.
The Role of Schemas and Internal Parts
Conflicts often activate earlier schemas such as:
- abandonment
- rejection
- control
- devaluation
In these moments, certain internal parts may take over:
- a critical part
- a defensive part
- an avoidant part
- an anxious part
Therapy aims to slow this activation and restore a more regulated internal position.
What Therapy Can Support
Couples therapy may help with:
- reducing conflict escalation
- decreasing emotional withdrawal
- improving communication skills
- restoring relational safety
- clarifying important relational decisions
Therapy can sometimes support the restoration of the relationship.
It may also help partners navigate a thoughtful separation.
The goal is to restore flexibility where rigidity has taken hold.
When Couples Therapy Is Not Appropriate
- physical violence
- threats
- repeated intimidation
- coercive control
- persistent fear within the relationship
In such situations, safety becomes the priority.
Individual support is usually more appropriate.
You can find emergency support services on the Emergency & Resources page.